Sleep Overs: My Take

Over the years, I have been a part of several debates on the pros and cons of sleep overs. I have two girls and I am very aware of the risks of having them sleep over at other people's houses. Just this weekend, I have listened to mothers say that they won't let even a babysitter look after their kids because of all the what ifs.

Here are the risks. Your child could be abducted, abused and tortured. They could be bullied, picked on and made fun of. They could be ridiculed and made fun of. They might have older siblings that are going to do nasty things to them. These are the reasons behind mothers refusals to allow their children to go to a babysitter or sleep overs.

First, do you really believe that all people are like this? What happened? And I for one do not want my children to believe that the world is an evil nasty place, even though they do need to be cautious and use good judgement. While I prefer to be the venue for the sleep overs despite the mess and chaos and lack of sleep, I am comfortable with my girls spending time at other houses.

First, you need to understand that this is a relationship. The children initiate friendships. They learn about each other and they grow together. Once they are comfortable with each other, they will start asking for play dates. This is my opportunity as a parent to get to know the other kids. I can invite the mom's for coffee. I can spend time chatting with the parents in the playground. We can do movies or dinners together. In this way, the families start to build a closer bond. For example, today my eldest spent two hours with a girl from school. They were happy and there were no fights, just cooperative play. I drove the lass home and spent a few minutes at the door with the other mom. We talked and I learned more about their family, that she doesn't drive, that the girl isn't a good swimmer but will have lessons, that she likes the YMCA, that they are from Newfoundland and that they have family here. I pay attention to the details. The house was decorated to the hilt. This is a family that likes to celebrate.

Sleep Overs are about bonding. They are about children sharing their space and their thoughts with each other. It is about giving them privacy to grow and develop as people, learning about their highs and lows. This is an environment outside of school that permits them that quality time to learn more about each other, and for me to learn more about the children that are influencing my own.

There is more to it than that though. Over the years, the sleep over kids have become my family. The families have become interconnected and these are people that I can count on if I have a need to have the girls looked after last minute. Like the time that Dad was out of town and one needed to go to Emergency, the other went for a sleep over and it was fine. It was safe. It was familiar. These are the children that are genuinely as much at home here as in their own homes. I love these kids and celebrate their successes and share in their lives in every way possible. They know how to raid the fridge, and where the extra toothpaste is. They also know where the timeout chair is and how to mediate. They know where the phone is to call home as they need to, when they need to.

Do my kids know our home number? Absolutely. Do I ask them questions? Yes. Ultimately, I know that when my girls choose to sleep over somewhere else, they are ready and they are sure of their environment. Just as if a child sleeps over here, I would be totally cool with mom or dad checking in on them at anytime. Even at 3:00 am.

Through this experience my girls are learning to be independent, to make decisions for themselves. They are learning to establish their boundaries and learning to communicate. They are learning to mange their own lives and take care of their own selves. I am teaching them to travel, to build relationships and to be accommodating. They are learning about different households with different rules. Different cultures are present and different family dynamics are in place. It is here that tolerance is taught and self confidence. It is here that they learn to understand the outside world and its environment safely. By the time they are asked to go on a school field trip overnight or travel with a friend, they will be ready. I will trust them and their chaperones.

Sometimes, we shelter our children too much. I know, this is coming from an overprotective mom, but honestly, sometimes there is an advantage to stepping outside your own comfort zone. I want strong, resilient, tolerant kids and this is one way I see to enable their experience.