It is midnight. The house is quiet. Facebook has been meandered through. Chores done and life is pretty normal. Except it isn't. Not for me, not for a huge number of people that live here. We lost one our own and I am still catching myself thinking about the family left behind and wondering.
First, this was someone who was gone too soon. Secondly, the loss takes me to places that I thought I had already coped with. The accident mirrored drastically the passing of a close family friend when I was turning 17. It was my birthday and the world went dark. The community was swept into grieving the loss of a 14 year old as a mine shaft caved in where I grew up. My brothers were spared...just. The media storm and the commentary was tragic and devestating. It would have been much worse in today's modern world. Like then, it is now...a community mourns.
The thing that bothers me is that I can't fix this. I can't say anything other than offer quiet sympathy. But there is more to the grieving process. Do we send the flowers on valentines day to show we remember and we care? Will someone take care of the birthday and anniversary that were his to surprise and spoil her on? Will the kids be OK? Does she know from within that dark space of mind at three am that all she needs to do is call and we will be there? I am on the fringe...and I hate the thought of this cheerful, fun-loving dedicated family being wounded. It sucks. It is the elephant in the room.
And yet, I still have the nightly terrors that flash it all back to 1989. Is it valid to acknowledge that or do I stuff that down into the abyss again? Brushed under the carpet is helping me any, but yet it was so long ago that no one really wants to go there. To be fair, I don't. It is the smells, the sounds, a turn of phrase...it is the laughter and bad jokes...it is the not knowing WHY or HOW...and the helplessness of being able to do NOTHING useful.
So, it is midnight. I am exhausted. I don't want to go to bed because I hate what I find there. The dark is not my friend. And out of respect, I am not posting this one to Facebook as that is not the place for this. Ideas on solving insomnia are welcome.
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