When Life Kicks You In the Teeth: Perspective

Interestingly, it has been awhile since I have felt like life is miserable. We all have these moments in our life where things just seem to go catastrophically wrong. Sometimes, these moments come from bad moments and decisions that we make. Other times, they are influenced by outside forces. Usually for me, these moments come when a series of disasters link together to knock me on my behind and cause me to question everything in my world. The past four weeks have provided me with a lot of material to think about and question. I have hit stress levels that I haven't had in over 5 years. All this to say, that in the past four weeks, I have grown.

Being used to being the person that does all the things, all the driving and basically being completely self sufficient, circumstances have forced me to ask for help. I hate asking for help. I am bad at it. On the other hand, if you need something done, I will be the first to say OK, with bells on. Do you know what amazes me? Almost everyone I have asked has agreed to help me. I have discovered that my framily around me has my back and will do what it takes to make sure that me and my family are well taken care of. The offers have come with warmth and caring that are fantastic. I am so humbled and grateful for this experience, that it takes some of the sting away.

I have learned that this community has an amazing support network for parents when you need help with parenting. This year, I have had a willing ear from schools and support networks to ensure that my girls have their needs met. When complications in their program arose, the people around my girls adjusted. Amazing. I didn't expect such a quick response and I never expected that I would get what we needed without a fight. Again, I am grateful.

When things in my family went sideways and had to be dealt with, the support was there to make things happen. From health issues to timing issues to a birthday party to back to school, this has not been the easiest past four weeks. And there is more that I am not mentioning because I am still processing it. Faith comes to the forefront in these times and I am grateful that I can rely on meditations and devotions that calm and sooth my soul. I have warm hugs and tea times. I have people that provide humor, and those that provide sympathy and those that have practical solutions. I am grateful.

I guess the lessons to be taken from this experience is that I am not invincible. Better yet, I don't have to be. Isn't that the best gift anyone could have? And maybe, just maybe, it will be a lesson that will stick.

Pondering 40

Although I really would prefer not to, the simple fact remains that in a few days, I hit the magic number of 40. I hear that it is the new 30, but frankly, 30 was a breeze. I had no children yet which of course means a lot less responsibility. While I know better than to think about important things after midnight, I can't seem to let it go tonight. The thought seems to be coming with an interesting shade of blue.

What the hell have I accomplished with my life?

I have no idea....

Some would focus on the children and parenting. Some on the two university degrees. Honestly, surviving elementary school with all the incredibly smart kids that happened to be in my year is rather miraculous in my eyes. The second degree from university was one of the most fun things I ever did, and one of the most courageous too.

Over the years, I have moved several times. I have adjusted to changing family dynamics. I have endured gains and losses in friends, family, money and life objectives. Through educational opportunities, I have continued to learn. My church family, if I ever choose to lean on them, is amazing in their love and support. My friends have become family and I have discovered that my ability to devote time to my close friends is appreciated.

So where was I? Oh yes taking stock...

My thirties have brought me some of the greatest gifts yet. The highlights are as follows:

1. Love. I have an amazing network of family and friends that is second to none. I have family I can lean on. I have friends who appreciate me and all my quirks. I have friends that are like sisters and that truly know me. I really love that my thirties have given me the gift of people that will last a lifetime. I also love that my thirties gave me back people that I had drifted from. Island girls? As I could go on forever as to how much I appreciate this element...I will stop.
2. Children. They drive me crazy and I adore them. I have learned more than I ever thought possible and my imagination has been stretched to the limits and then fractures because I haven't thought far enough. Or fast enough. I have two lively, creative, imaginative munchkins, who together with their friends, have managed to turn my world upside down. Of course, they travel with their friends and so my house is rarely quiet, which is something I love.
3. Work. I am truly blessed to work in a field that I am passionate about. I might not earn thousands of dollars a year, but I feel like I am changing my world and my community with providing access to knowledge and history. I can be creative and studious. My work will have a legacy and that is important to me.
4. Travel. I have long since had a love affair with plane tickets. I enjoy the destination and the heartbeat of seeing the different places that the world has to offer. Through travel, I now have travelling companions for girls trips (J and H) that have been some of the biggest blessings to me from the unexpected, friends that will travel with me even if they have no idea what they are getting into (J and E) and friends that automatically include me without me having to plan anything (K and C). I have a family that accommodates my insatiable need to see and do for which I am grateful. I just have to worry that I am bringing up two very like minded creatures. I hope their Dad has planned for that...hahaha....as I only intend to encourage it.
5. Fearlessness. I have managed to take on some of the things that I was afraid of and have lived to be proud of it. Cliff diving in Mexico. Killing spiders in the house. Standing up for what I need and believe I should have. Afraid of being wrong anyone? It is ok to be wrong as long as you make amends. Zip lining from huge heights. Moving. Putting myself out there to make friends despite me rather reading a book. I can do anything if I am willing to try.
6. Writing. I love to write and play with word. You might have noticed that I like to blog about all sorts of things. I like to write for work purposes and for pleasure. The way that my feelings become clear as I put things into words is rather interesting.
7. Hurt. Odd isn't it? But, this is about pondering my life and to be truthful, my thirties have encompassed a world of hurt as well. Illness in loved ones. Rejection from people that matter. My own rehumanization project of self. Parenting challenges. Being willing to embrace changes that are beyond my control. I still worry too much about people and things. I care too much and get hurt in the process. While I might think I am idiotic, that is who I am and I have grown and developed as a result. How can this not be a good thing? 

Most of all. I have faith. I do the best I have with what I have to offer. I am enough. I have grace, healing and forgiveness that go with faith. I have faith in God, faith in my kids, faith in my friends, faith in my family, and while I am still working on faith in me...I will get there.

Maybe that is what is left for my 40's. I wonder what it will bring? I still need more patience. I need thicker skin.There are those that manage to hurt my feelings badly everytime I talk to them. Perhaps that might get better.I guess if I can continue to enjoy life and my relationships to the fullest, that will be enough.

And if it isn't....there is alway Vegas...right?

Buzz

Today is just a day. One whole day in the world of many days. What did you do with yours?

My life is programmed; structured with routine and places to be on time. The children went to school and I went to the gym. I also spent time having coffee with friends, cleaning the van, doing laundry, dancing and shuffling the after school activities. There were good times and bad times. All in all, it was a roly poly day. The thing is...well I know about my day. I know what I was thinking and feeling as I went about the errands and during the quiet time of waiting.

Today was a day that has me wondering. How many of you stopped to question why a comment was said? What happened in a moment to cause the words to flow? Words have power. They have a buzz. They float through the air and can change emotions, expressions and feelings in a heart beat. Some words have the ability to create happiness, calm and harmony in our world. Others have the power to hurt, wound and impact people negatively.

What did you do with your words today?

Honest reflection lets me know that I had both sorts of words in my world today. I don't think any irrepairable damage was done, nor do I think I promised moons, stars and other such wonders. I parented and that involves both sorts of words daily. There was humor, laughter and meaningful conversations.

There is so much communication out there. People text, bbm, facebook, read, talk, phone and not necessarily in that order. I think that people forget how easy it is for news to spread. Similarly, information is tossed around at such great speed that it gets lost. How effective is your communication? Are you getting the messages across that you want?

I know what I think I heard today. Buzz buzz buzz it is already becoming filtered and processed in my mind. I am tired and don't quite know how to process all of it yet. I am saddened by some news and excited by some. I guess we will see how the buzz shakes down.

Words to live by:

Listen well
Love much
Give often
Empathize
Don't count the cost.