Failure: Warts and all

Failure. It's a negative word with a whole lot of negative emotion behind it. Mistakes. Good intentions gone wrong. Misunderstood. Didn't try. Not good enough. Not focused. How many times have you heard it? How many times have you experienced it? Are you honest enough to own your own "failures?" Epic fail...it's a term that has come out of my mouth. So, maybe, just maybe, it is time to seriously THINK about it.

I have often said that I do stupid things with good intentions. That unwitting judgment call that I think will turn out positively and comes back with a truck load of hurt feelings and others jumping to conclusions that I never meant. I have experienced it several times and I wind up with my own hurt feelings back. I own those and learn from them. I learn who takes things differently than I do and I learn to apologize and move forward with new growth and understanding. At 42, that isn't any easier than it was at 12. It just happens less often. I have also learned to appreciate the friends in my life that love me "warts and all" who will accept me for who and what I am.

As parent though, this develops differently. I want the best for my kids. Doesn't everyone? I have signed them up for all sorts of activities over the years trying to find things that work for their personalities and fit the schedule and the budget. I get told that my kids are over programmed but I have some solid reasons for that. First, we live north. I can't just tell them to go outside to play in minus a million degrees. They swim and dance so we work the mind, memory and body. My youngest does music and voice as she has shown a strong aptitude for it. My eldest does art for the same reason. The toughest part is that not everyone is good at everything. It seems that the things I really think they would shine at are not even offered here. No track team. No dive team. No syncrhonized swimming.

Add to that, my eldest child continuously takes criticism for a "lack of focus." Her fault (read genetic make-up and escapism here). At 12, she already has issues believing that she is not good enough and that no matter how hard she tries, there will be fault assigned to her. She has been requested not to participate in several activities (soccer, highland dance, less dance, no more music) and recommended to take more art. Have you ever tried to get an art teacher? We have been so blessed by ours but she needs more and it just isn't offered consistently. She tries so hard to please and always seems to fall short of other peoples expectations. Further to that, sometimes she just isn't given the chance because people assume that she will fail without even giving her the chance to try. How damaging is this? And as a parent, how do I support this?

I keep trying to find new avenues for a start. I maintain honest communication with her and let her know where she is succeeding and where people need more from her. I teach her how to manage her "failures" and that is OK to cry. After a wonderful music meeting last night, I gave her the opportunity to choose to try again. *note that I have NO idea what she will decide, but I was delighted to find a music teacher that understood her straight off the bat and made the room safe for her. I show her that I am willing to invest in her, whether her teachers believe in her or not. I tell her to prove them wrong, do her best. I will continue to try and find new avenues for her to be active and creative. I understand that not all learning happens in the classroom. She has a heart of gold and a soul to match. One day, one day soon, I hope that she will realize how much she has to give to her world.

"Failure" comes in other forms too. I see it in my youngest who gets so frustrated and angry when difficult learning opportunities are not perfect the first try. She worries about the imperfections and worries further about people. She struggles to work though it and have faith in her abilities. Comparing herself to others, she feels that she is not "good enough." At 9, how is the pressure acceptable? I ask for her best efforts. We work on tool boxes of reasoning and tool boxes for friendships. She sees herself as the peacemaker and hates conflict so teaching her to understand her relationships is key. Do I get that right all the time. Ummmm...no. Do I understand her all the time? No.

The thing with failure...is that sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to learn. It isn't fun, and definately isn't my favorite place to be but somehow, through the bad times, I learn more. I have experiences to share with others. I have new direction and places to go in my world. The best thing that I can do is to learn to change what the word "failure" represents in my world. I need to turn it into an opportunity to do better and to be the best self I can be moving forward. I need to change how that translates to my children so that they can know that being last is OK. That being less than perfect is OK. That their best efforts are indeed, enough. Not everyone can be a star, but everyone, absolutely everyone, better know how to be a good cheerleader and be a good support for those that are stars.

The world without people in it would be meaningless. What good are the mountains and the rivers without animals and people to enjoy them? Life is for living, full and flat out. If you fall, get up? If there is a fire, there will be regrowth. It is how it works and isn't it beautiful? We cry when happy and when sad. Poignency. Let's make failure translate to success. Let's be poignant.

I share this with my children and teach them to be stronger within themselves. They might not be the bright shining stars of their world right now, but I bet you anything they will make adults worth knowing. Just please, give each other a chance and experience the wonderful people that we all are. "Warts and all."

Ramblings of a Mom whose Kids are Growing Up.

Fire. "Mom, this would be so much more entertaining if there was real fire." The dancer with the magic wand on the stage at Circus Terrifico just wasn't catching her attention at all. In good faith, I had bought tickets to see something that I assumed would be like cirque du soleil - just lower key. Instead, it was a ballet with bits of circus thrown in as a back drop. With two kids that dance, you roll with it, but fire? Really? I don't think she got much out of it. However, it was a cute family thing to do together and that is never a bad thing.

The thing is as a parent and a friend, I opt to try and make the most of my opportunities. I love to encourage and experiment and try new things. Cultural events? Sign me up. Sports - lets try that too. Travel someplace exotic or different, absolutely. One of the things that I need to figure out soon is what to do when the girls really don't like something that is by way of an experiment. Left to her own devices, my youngest would have happily walked out of the theatre and only stayed as I suggested that it would be rude to the other viewers and performers on stage to leave midway. When do they get to make their own choices about such things? When is it a better choice to let them opt out? After all, if a movie is terrible we can walk out right away or change the channel. Flip - it is easy.

With the age that the children are at, we are having a lot of discussion about courtesy and respect. We are talking about positive self esteem and trying to celebrate all the good things. That doesn't mean we ignore the bad, but it doesn't become a never ending negative. If there is something that needs a solution, we talk about it and try different methods to fix it. If math is a problem, I will work with you until it is understood. If spelling is an issue, we will add more reading and more practise. If friends are an issue, we talk about behaviours that will encourage friendship. Issues don't mean that you get to have a petty meltdown and go hide in the corner. My eldest especially is the best dramatic sulker ever! She also has the warmest heart and is the most open to loving words of encouragement. My youngest is sassy and pushes people away when she is upset. We sometimes have to struggle to find the core reason as to why she is hiding out, and most of the time, it can be resolved by validating her feelings.

Right now, my eldest has the opportunity to go away for a week to learn about communication and self awareness through a summer camp. The location is 8 hours away and I still have to work that week. I know she is ready to do this work and have some real fun away from me, but how do I find the ability to let her go and stand on her own feet? In some ways - this is the hardest parenting decision yet - but it still seems to be the right one. She will go, be amazing and grow up. I have to let her. (I really don't want to. I want to snuggle my precious girl and keep her home under my eye.) What if the adults pretend to invest in her and don't mean it? What if the kids leave her out? What if she wakes in the middle of the night and there is no one there? What then...? What if she gets sick? Who will be there? (Yes, I am an over protective mess. However, the adults in her world this year have been interestingly amazing on one hand and disappointing on the other.)

My youngest is growing up too fast too. I am no longer required to read stories. In fact, she will read them to me. Her independence is incredible and yet, I miss the days that she would hold my hand or want snuggles at bedtime. I miss singing songs in the bath - she handles her own now. She delights in creative play and dress up but no longer needs me by her side. Sometimes, I revel in the freedom to get stuff done, but others...not so much.

There are so many opportunities to spend time with people and build them up. I am indulging this with my girls as much as possible as they are at that age where I am realizing that I don't have that much more time to shape their thoughts into positive thinking and self confident appreciation of who they are. I am realizing that I can't focus on the foolishness of outside influences and just have to teach them to love themselves where they are at (report cards are the worst/best thing ever?). In addition, there are the opportunities to travel and see and experience life both here and away. I intend to ensure that they know that there is so much more to learn about the world than what is in their own back yard. I love letting them plan and budget for days out. They come up with things that I never would.

Today was a day that I think I chose an under appreciated thing. Lesson learned on both sides, however, it won't stop me from the next one. Peter Pan - we will see you in April as the tickets are already purchased. However, I will be asking for an opinion on the next show or activity. Apparently, the girls are old enough to have a say too.